23rd November. New Zealanders must apply to the Dominican Republic Consulate in Australia to get a visa. The contact details are: 343a Edgecliffe Rd, Sydney NSW 2027. The Consul, Gordon Stewart, told me that Kiwis wanting to apply for the visa should first speak to their travel agent and see if it can be organised through them, and failing that phone him on +61 2 9363 5891 for instructions on how to apply.
29th October: added a vague description of some contact details for the resort.
Can it be true? Has Shelly finally cracked under the strain and beaten Stephen to death with the blunt end of a tabby kitten? Has Stephen gone off the deep end and attacked Shelly with a cheese grater?
No, it's neither of these things, but rather far more sinister. A hideous revelation that has thrown a black, lowering shadow over the happy plans of marriage in tropical paradise, and threatened in so doing to bring civilisation as we know it to a juddering halt.
Or at least, so many of you will have read in the deliberately provocative email sent to pique your flagging interest. Joel went to enrol at university on Friday September the 20th, and came home with a pack of bumf, mostly centred around the drinking establishments on campus.
Shelly was idly leafing through this when she came across the examination timetable for the end of semester one. To her unutterable horror, she discovered that the exams will be held between the sixth and the 20th of January. Seeing as Joel is lined up to be the best man at the wedding, and seeing as anyway we could not contemplate getting married without him there, things were looking pretty ropey for the hopes of smooth sailing towards a Dominican wedding as planned.
However, having talked to various bods at the university it appears that all is not lost, as it is likely that they will be able to come to some arrangement to cover what was described as a completely unprecedented set of circumstances. In hope, in optimism, in the noble spirit of togetherness and joy, we stride forward again boldly into the glorious future, the minor stumble on the otherwise flawless path to happiness forgotten behind us.
Now that you are actually at this web site, please take a look around if you have not already done so. Also, I will be sending e-mail notifications of updates from now on, so if you do not wish to receive these please let me know. Alternatively, if you did not get the e-mail but have found yourself here anyway and would like to be informed, likewise let me know.
All the best, Stephen.
To make things easier, just in case anyone is looking back here for updated info, I will put a list of updates at the top, thusly:
September the, um, let's see, I'm writing this on the Eurostar on the way to Disneyland Paris for the weekend, so it will be about, ooh, let's say the 9th by the time I post it to the web site. Was that swanky enough, do you think? Or did I overdo it just a tad? Added a page of information about the Dominican Republic.
September 1st, 2002. Added a page on Booking Online with Thomas Cook. As per Brendon's request.
Also added a Photo of the place where the actual wedding will supposedly take place.
Please, if anyone has any feedback, let me know. I know I have still not found out any information on how to book from NZ/Oz, but I will stick it up here as soon as I have anything. If anyone else does find any info on this, or stuff from this end, let me know and I will post it up to help everyone. Thanks.
Dear Friends, Romans, and Countryfolk,
to Stephen and Shelly's exciting (?) Caribbean wedding web page, containing all the facts, information and whatnot that you will need to convince yourself that you should definitely go to Fiji for a week instead. Sorry for the appallingly bad design, but something is better than nothing, just at the moment.
Also, these pages will hopefully be updated from time to time, so check back every so often to see whether there is more info. The current (and first) version was uploaded on July the 8th. For any comments, questions, suggestions, and competition entries (yes, the competitions [of which there are more to come] are genuine) please email .
The long and short of it is that Stephen "I will never marry; never, never never, do you hear me, never!" Harvey and Shelly "I would rather cut my toes off one by one and shove them up my left nostril than marry again" Lomas are, wait for it, wait for it, getting married. Hands up all those who saw that coming.
Having decided that it is a case of in for a penny in for ten thousand pounds, Shelly has decided that nothing less than a romantic wedding in the Caribbean will do. Oh yes, it was nothing to do with Steve. He said that a quiet registry office do in Weybridge would be just fine. But was quickly changed in this opinion by repeated weltering blows to the head from his beloved. He was also firmly convinced, via the same process, that it was up to him to organise it. The web page that you see before you represents the first fruits of that organisation.
Let it herewith be known, then, that the appointed place of marriage is heretofore and hereinbywithorfrom designated as the Melia Caribe Tropical resort in the Dominican Republic. Described by at least two travel brochures as "the most cost-effective destination in the Caribbean", the Dominican Republic forms the eastern half of the island of Hispaniola, immortalised in the motion picture Muppet Treasure Island as the home of black hearted cutthroat pirates, treasure, wild tribes of spear-wielding pigs, and singing vegetables. By most cost-effective, read cheap, in other words, although bear in mind that everything is relative.
The Melia Caribe Tropical has been described as "Ooh, that'll be lovely. Melia do a very posh resort" by the nice lady at the Dominican Republic Tourist Board in London (a wild pig's spear throw from Fleet St, and quite remarkably difficult to find). It has also got some very nice writeups from the internet sites where people can post their reviews, except for the lady who complained that it was a bit difficult to get away from the topless bathers.
Anyway, for those of you who feel that you could not bear to pass up the opportunity to rub our noses in the fact that we will Never Get Married, please feel free to join us on our Caribbean Wedding Adventure (tm) with the following caveat:
We are going to a tropical resort for our wedding because it is a once in a lifetime deal (well, twice for Shelly, but she wants to wring the last drop of benefit out of it this time round as a result), and neither of us plan to get wed again after this, except perhaps in one of those affirming our vows lovey dovey american it was so great the first time why don't we spoil the memory by all getting together and catching legionnaires disease en masse kind of deals. Cynical? Moi? Sorry, drifted off topic a bit. Where was I?
Oh yes: the wedding itself is not going to be a hugely organised affair, in that at the time appointed Shelly and I will probably arrange ourselves around whatever local dignitary they have organised, have a bit of a Q and A along the "Do you?"; "Yeah, I reckon so" model, and then wander back to the poolside for a dip. I am not sure, as yet, whether the "wedding package", and I'm not talking about the contents of Stephen's incredibly well-filled Speedo swimming thong here, includes any sort of formal meal thing after the ceremony, but I am pretty sure it doesn't.
The point of all this is that IF the idea of a week, or perhaps two, lying around in a resort in the aforementioned Caribbean gets your eyes lighting up, and IF January 2003 strikes you as possibly the most utterly spiffing time in the history of the planet to do such a thing, and IF it works with holidays, and kids/cats/guppies and whatnot, and IF the cost of dragging yourselves over there is not too frightening, and IF you would get immense amounts of pleasure from watching us make fools of ourselves, then it would be lovely to have you there. Supposing you haven't just wandered at random to this website having followed a Google search on the words "Caribbean" and "topless", that is. Anyone who feels it is all too much, or all Too Much, or for whom it is going to be a drag, or whatever, feel free not to come, with our utter blessing. The last thing we want is to make a big production out of it, and have obligations and feuds and all the rest. OK? Got that? Right, I won't mention it again, then, and I will assume that anyone who comes does so because it is absolutely the most splendid thing they could possibly think of doing at that point. To the rest of you, just surf on by, book a weekend in Frinton on Sea, Bad Futsmell, Waikikamukau or Wooloomooloo, according to local preference and opportunity, and nobody will hold it against you.
Right, so everyone who has got this far is all geared up to go? Good, then let us proceed..
The Melia Caribe Tropical is cunningly composed of two different hotel resort things. One of them is called the Melia Caribe. Can anyone guess what the other one is called? Would you believe, the Melia Tropical? The exact relationship of these two desirable destinations is somewhat unclear, as they seem to be right next to each other, and share all of the same facilities. Go figure, as the saying goes. Be that as it may, it is (or they are) all-inclusive, which means that for the knee-weakening price you will be quoted by your travel agent, you will at least be treated to meals and drinks without being stung viciously still further by excruciatingly overpriced comestible vendors. So that is something.
For those of you travelling from the UK or environs, there are at least two operators who do packages to the resort, so either you can book through Thomson Holidays, or JMC, or you can go to Thomas Cook, who are agents for both, and get the better price of the two (Thos Cook seem to have a bestest chums thing going with JMC, so will undercut the Thomson's price). If anyone wants me (Stephen) to book things for them, then I will be more than happy to do so. Prices are about £1500 per adult for 14 nights, 50% discount on the adult price for the first child (assuming at least two adults are going, that is), and 10% discount on any remaining children thereafter (bit stingy, if you ask me). You can also get a 7 night package, of course, for about 2/3 the price (from memory; mental note to self: must check details).
The dates! Ah yes, the dates. Might be helpful, I hear you say. We will be going from the 8th to the 22nd of January 2003 (the return flight actually hits the tarmac back in the UK on the 23rd, because of flight times etc). The wedding has to be in the second week, as you have to be in the Dominican Republic for a few days before they will let you get married, which is all to do with making sure you are serious, and so on and so forth, and Absolutely Nothing to do with trying to ensure that you are in the country for the maximum amount of time so they can extract more foreign earnings from you. Shame on you for thinking such a thing. The bad news for those of you who are not prepared to slum it in a resort of the Melia Caribe Tropical's quality (Rose and John, you know who you are) is that although we have been told that the wedding is booked for the 17th of Jan, there is not absolute certainty that it will not get moved a day or two either side. I am not sure why this is, but possibly due to the phases of the moon, the relaxed pace of life in the Caribbeen, or just that they don't give two hoots either way.
Oh yes, and we are apparently going to get married here (click for enlargement):
For more information, please see the infrequently asked questions page (well after all, nobody has asked them yet, have they).